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thinks if I would have known I was going to be this thirsty this morning I would have drank more last night!! 
Traveled to the future and found out I'm flat-ass broke. Note to future self: Don't sell your boat and Plasma screen. Sell your wife.
I Never Finish My Eraser Because It Is Either Stolen,Lost,or Cut In Half
my fish has just drowned
Just realized that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a reindeer.
Whose bed HAVE my boots bed under? Seriously, I can't find them anywhere.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
Teaching his dog how to be a ninja!
Roman Polanski's punishment for sleeping with that woman when she was 13 should be sleeping with her today.
puts the pro in procrastinate
hosting a seminar with noted Theoretical Physicist, Stephen Hawking. The subject of the seminar is TIME TRAVEL with emphasis on theorems regarding singularities in the framework of general relativity. Please RSVP. Our first meeting will be last week.
you are not a PC, you are a human being
After much prayer and months of careful thought, I have decided the next season, season 25 will be the last season of the Oprah Winfrey Show.
Dear Monday, nothing against you but I'm glad you almost over. Please ease traffic for me. Sincerely, THE TAILGATER.
walking through ICU at a hospital dressed as the grim reaper
When I was young I thought getting a yeast infection was sitting on dirty muffins while youre not wearing any underwear!
Society would improve leaps and bounds if people would just stop putting those stupid Transformers emblems on their cars.
People who use sporks can't be trusted.
Just finished watching Karate Kid... Why am I throwing high kicks and making ninga sounds? Yaaaaaaa hoo!
Oh how that evil ball of hydrogen and helium punishes me on the way home from work with its larger than life flaming brilliance.
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