Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dear Weatherman, Thanks Nostradamus, but I believe the fact that I now have ovaries is a pretty good indicator of how cold it is...Tell me when I can expect the thermometer to NOT read "Fu@king Burrrr" anymore....work on that...thanks

   Dear Lunchables, I remember when I was a kid I used to love eating you, now that I'm an adult, I realize now that you are just cheese and crackers and are nowhere near a full lunch, wtf was I thinking. Please update your lunchables to feed more than a sma

   I get fewer Valentines than Christmas cards. ....I got one Christmas card

   it just me...or does Muammar Gaddafi looked like Mickey Rourke?

   You know what baby you have been with me through all the bad times.When I got fired you supported me,when my business fell you were there.When I got shot, you were by my side.Well now that I think about it I think you bring me bad luck!!I think

   You know you're in trouble if your doctor smirks as you sign a contract.

   Why don't people scream when they get stabbed in movies?

   The DNC is going to be so interesting that BLM leaders are going to stop shooting Africans to watch.

   Peter Fonda died. Let me guess, Hilary killed her too?

   I'm thinking of opening up a restaurant called "meatballs and tea" and have billboards on the highway advertising it with the slogan "even if you don't like our balls, you can still come in for a tea bag"

   Hey! Who remembers seeing men on tv ripping phone books in half? Hey! Who remembers phone books? Hey! Who remembers men?

   I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

   My wife is now fully vaccinated so I use her as a human shield wherever we go]

   Who has no heart, brains or courage? The tinman, scarecrow and lion. Who did you think I meant?

   OK 2016 there are still a few days left ... so I nominate Hillary and the Kardashians just to ballance things out ...

   Too bad these communist Russians cannot hack their economy and make it great.

   I thought it was cool when Superman visited Bizarro World where up is down and yes is no. But in a comic book. Not the White House.

   The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

   How was the winter solstice? I missed it because the stores were out of solstice glasses

   How to Find the Leaker in 4 Steps: 1) Close your eyes 2) Stand in front of a mirror 3) Open your eyes 4) There’s your leaker!