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I just sneezed while taking a piss and now I have to move. 
If I don't respond to your 1st text, it's not an invitation to text me again... With your basic ass
Bills are like vegetables; better when you don't have any on your plate.
In life you've got to learn to take your time with things. That's why I went to the first grade twice.
Shutting down the computer and realizing you need it again -_-
celebrating the 4th by putting pop-rocks in the vaseline!!
Let be grateful for the people who make us happy and get rid of the deadwood that makes us sad.
Hoarder is such a bad word.... I Prefer the term "Clutter Junkie"
Fridays are like a metaphor for mullets.....Business during the day, and partying at night!
Apparently 'Fat Tuesday' doesn't constitue telling fatties they're fatties.
I would've hated to have been the guy that had to change the light bulbs on The Green Mile......."Really?? Again??"
so hardcore I bought 1 newspaper and took 2! now what!
They passed a budget last nigt and the Fereral Government STILL shutdown today! Oh wait... its Saturday isn't it?
New Rule: If you are currently separated and/or getting divorced you must deleted or at least block your soon to be ex.
At what point does Wonder Woman go Google things to know about them instead of only wondering and turn into Know-It-All Woman?
The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.
searching Netflix for a movie to watch and found one that's titled after what all the women of my past have said to me... "I Love You, Don't Touch Me!"
A man posted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Never trust the word of a man who wears a wig.
Dear sleep, I miss u. Come find me I'll be waiting ;-) 