Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The spice girls were right...f cuk the police

   Have you noticed the words: Happy and Horny each have six letters like the number six has an x in it just like the word sex. Coincidence, I think not. . .

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   How much for the coping mechanism? Ma'am that's alcohol..

   where there’s a will, the dead guy was probably rich.

   Some of my strongest friendships started with a blunt

   some how I stabbed myself in the eye with the corner of a business card. Is that a good enough excuse to buy an eye patch and wear if for a week? Being a pirate for a.week would be awesome

   Lots of Movers and Shakers in Napa This Morning ...

   Boy the way Led Zeppelin played, songs that debuted on MTVeeem, guys like us were getting laid. . . those were the days. . .

   If Ray Rice and Jay-Z have taught me anything this year it's just take the stairs…forget those elevators

   If a co-worker asks how your long weekend was, respond with a clever retort like "not long enough" or "MAAAAAN I MISSED YOUR SMELL"

   I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.

   "Don't try to understand everything. Sometimes it is not meant to be understood, just accepted"; it means, I need money, or I'm idiot, or I'm crazy.

   Happy International Men's Day!!!

   Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpies. Then laugh all you want, but you'll still have herpies.

   Ladies, if your boyfriend can't drive a stick shift, you have a girlfriend ...

   There are three sure signs of getting old. The first is loss of memory. I forget the other two. -

   I just sneezed while taking a piss and now I have to move.

   If I don't respond to your 1st text, it's not an invitation to text me again... With your basic ass

   Bills are like vegetables; better when you don't have any on your plate.