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To the folks who are "scared" about having a strange new President on January 20th, Relax -There's a reason Obama was called the 44th President, Because the one after will be the 45th! This is nothing new for Pete' Sake! 
South Americans. They gave the world coffee and tomatoes. It was all downhill from there.
Super Bowl: it's like WrestleMania, but boring.
I went into take my shower this morning and accidently washed my hair with Dog Shampoo. But on the upside, at least I don't have to worry about getting fleas.
If they want to reopen all the schools they should also reopen the White House for school field trips just to be fair.
My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.
I bought a roll-a-way bed the other day. I haven't tried it out yet . . . I haven't been able to catch it!!!
She asked if I was horny, it’s like she doesn’t even know I’m a man.
No honey, I didn't invite you hiking just because you're fat, and bears will target you first. I also think you make great trail mix.
Alcohol? Yes. Feelings? Hell no!
Setting here wrapping presents with one hand. If someone finds a band aid in theirs Don't touch it, I'm still waiting on them test results.
Who needs a fireplace. I'm watching the yule log!
Be sure to always chase your dreams, with as much alcohol as you can buy.
The only way to have an upper hand over a woman is to be better looking than her.
I'm outside banging kitchen pots together so my neighbors can think I'm strapped......lol happy new years everyone
Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.
Back in the day when I was attracted to a girl I never had enough guts to ask her out. Now with Facebook I am suppose to be confident enough to poke her? #singleforever
I think when you said: You ruined EVERYTHING! You were wrong, because this beer is still delicious.
Umm...it's frigid...not fridged...'fridged' is something yous stored in the refrigerator hahha
Just farted myself out of a dead nap, so yeah, you could say I've got sexual dynamo on lockdown!
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