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I took my introverted turtle to an orgy and he immediately started coming out of his shell 
I went into take my shower this morning and accidently washed my hair with Dog Shampoo. But on the upside, at least I don't have to worry about getting fleas.
If they want to reopen all the schools they should also reopen the White House for school field trips just to be fair.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.
Yellow cars have the lowest crash rate, according a different pole
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
You really want animals? Try installing a bed sheet with a cat
Debating if I should clean the inside of my refrigerator out. Or just unscrew the light bulb.
I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.
This coming Wednesday, the groundhog's 6 week weather forecast will once again claim 100% accuracy while your local TV meteorologist's 5 day forecast will hover at its usual 1%.
I just got 40 winks on the suaway........ I knew I shouldn't of worn this pink T-shirt.
I have more trust in a link from a bot account than I do in Michael Cohen.
I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.
For some reason the British people have been complaining that they had to donate 20% of their entire economy to the European Economic Union ..... How selfish of them.
Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...
Could you imagine if Hillary Clinton mentioned Benghazi in her deleted emails? Republicans heads would explode!!!
blame the a hole running t his platform for allowing this political bs to fly.
Most used homosexual catch phrase - "Im with her"
BREAKING NEWS: Game show hosts going on strike... They know their jobs are in Jeopardy,.. but they won't settle until they can get a contract where The Price Is Right.
To the folks who are "scared" about having a strange new President on January 20th, Relax -There's a reason Obama was called the 44th President, Because the one after will be the 45th! This is nothing new for Pete' Sake! 