Funny Status Messages

   My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.

   Yellow cars have the lowest crash rate, according a different pole

   you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

   You really want animals? Try installing a bed sheet with a cat

   I just got 40 winks on the suaway........ I knew I shouldn't of worn this pink T-shirt.

   I have more trust in a link from a bot account than I do in Michael Cohen.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   For some reason the British people have been complaining that they had to donate 20% of their entire economy to the European Economic Union ..... How selfish of them.

   Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...

   Could you imagine if Hillary Clinton mentioned Benghazi in her deleted emails? Republicans heads would explode!!!

   blame the a hole running t his platform for allowing this political bs to fly.

   I took my introverted turtle to an orgy and he immediately started coming out of his shell

   Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.

   Happy Labor Day! The day we remember those long, grueling hours endured by women giving birth after reaching 10cm dilated.

   Who do you hate the most: people who post about their gym workouts or people who post about every time they go to church?

   Debating if I should clean the inside of my refrigerator out. Or just unscrew the light bulb.

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.

   This coming Wednesday, the groundhog's 6 week weather forecast will once again claim 100% accuracy while your local TV meteorologist's 5 day forecast will hover at its usual 1%.

   Most used homosexual catch phrase - "Im with her"

   BREAKING NEWS: Game show hosts going on strike... They know their jobs are in Jeopardy,.. but they won't settle until they can get a contract where The Price Is Right.