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The flight attendant said put on my mask first before helping others. No problem. The guy next to me is shoeless so I want him dead. 
The somke detector is not a timer...
when 1 of my lenses fall out, I like to think of the glasses as half full
Sex is like a bowling ball, if your not using all three fingers, you're just cheating your game.
It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.
Freddie Mercury has replaced Elvis as the go to star for Boomer ladies.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave me: oh sorry does my lobster smell co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Do you guys blow on your food when it’s hot, or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it?
Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽
The Seattle Supersonics are offensive to snails and turtles. 😛
You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.
All those exercise videos are worthless, I watch them over and over and not even lost a Kg
Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.
If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.
US are specialists in making two countries fight.......Now they are fighting within themselves........Karma you Beauty
Hey Lady, Please don't blame the Holidays ..... For Pete's Sake ..... You you were Fat in August!!!
Whatta ya want for breakfast? Burnt toast and a rotten egg. Burnt toast and a rotten egg? Whatta ya want that for? I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him!
I don't care about self driving cars. . . What I really want is a self FLYING car.
Bae, I got you bae. -Sonny & Cher 2014
I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I don't even know where sandwiches live
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