Funny Status Messages

   2 entirely different phrases; each have 3 words and 8 letters: “I Love You!” vs. “Go To Hell!”

   My buddy used to be a store clerk but he lost his job, so he set up a kiosk in the mall to vend for himself...

   carefully placed a spider egg sack under my ex's pillow

   Dear Nerf, Table legs hurt! Fix that. Sincerely, Stubbed Toe

   Ryan Braun - way to beat the "guilty until proven innocent" rap!!

   Okay Facebook lovers, you can shove your lovey-dovey cute couple pics down our throats all you want, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Gee what a goofy looking couple"

   Just remember Satan worshipers, he got his a$$ kicked by some Georgia redneck...

   I'd tell you guys a joke about chemistry but I know It wouldn't get a reaction and I would tell you a joke about a pencil but its pointless and my joke about leaches sucks and I have a feeling I might have told you the one about Deja vu before, so never m

   ME: I miss you KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It's done. Stop calling me.

   Lower my gluten intake the doctor said. Over my bread body!

   Employee: We have to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

   I walked in my girlfriend cheating on me with a 6 '8 280 lb Linebacker all I said was " Yo Sis, Dinner is ready"

   Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.

   OJ Simpson will be using Tinder when he gets out of prison. He will have to decide if he wants to slash left, or slash right

   Great Britain just opting for free agency trying to get some of that sweet NBA rising salary cap money.

   Britain be like "April Fools, hahaha..."

   Crooked Melania: So which is better, admitting she lied about writing the speech, or admitting she plagiarized?

   Obama: "Don't boo... vote." Ghost: "I didn't really think that was an option for me but you've given me hope I have no arms or body but maybe."

   When I die I want my ashes scattered over a Starbucks WiFi router.

   To the Mayor of North Carolina: Corey Feldman could clear the streets with one song.