Funny Status Messages

   Remember, Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday...!!!!

   What do you call a blond wearing a brunette wig? Artificial Intelligence.

   Turtles should be taught to use skate boards when crossing the road. . .

   If I were funny I'd be on tv. But I'm on Facebook instead... talk about a let down.

   If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements.

   It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of unpunctuality.

   Have you tried checking her purse for your balls?

   Pain wouldn't be so bad if it didn't hurt so much.

   When one door closes…I am like, "Dammit! I locked my f cuking keys inside"

   The first date went so well I might even remove the duct tape for the second date.

   Oscar Wilde's last words were, "Either that wallpaper goes or I go."

   The thing I love about my ex is she didn't take up much space in the trunk.

   Make the best out of a bad situation by ignoring it.

   Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

   Friday the 13th would be a lot more frightening if Jason chased you down in a big SUV and made you pay to fill it up with gas.

   I typed in "Tim Howard" into Google. I'm waiting for the search results but I think they've been blocked.

   If only you can see the Face I'm makiong ....When you add another plate in the sink while I'm washing the freakin dishes!!!!

   What if I told you none of this was real? "Sir, just pay us your credit card debt."

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy.. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   That moment when you do or say something cool and then spend the rest of the day replaying the moment over in your head