Funny Status Messages

   Had to take the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...

   Flight attendant who allegedly left cocaine at LAX arrested in NYC, well let's all be fair she knows how to get high in the skies....

   I hate it when I'm in a long line up and suddenly lose my will to live.

   If the family dog could talk right now he would probably say,. Lets eat everything in the house.

   There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

   There's never a bad time forcertain people to become 'missing persons. 'Today is no exception.

   Mirror mirror on the wall, why do all most selfies people take look dopey?

   I'm convinced that I'm the only person in the universe who detests rotisserie chicken. Wet and greasy. Like my high school girlfriend.

   Lame Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, are you Juicy Fruit gum because I thought you were really awesome for about 30 seconds.

   You are what you eat - so stay away from the jerk chicken.

   You're never going to satisfy someone who doesn't know what they want. That's why I always get the assortment cookie pack.

   note to self........when arguing with the wife at a public get together "Go wait in the car for me" is not a smart thing to say

   So Wake me up when I am Sober, When I'm not so drunk and so hungover. This Entire time I didn't know I was getting so tore up. This entire time I didn't know I was getting this f**ked up... I didn't know, I didn't know!..." ♫

   Maybe Mother Nature wants to be a dirty girl!

   Love is like writing your name on the beach’s sand. Eventually, the waves will wash it all away until nothing’s left.

   I give ulcers,... I don't get them

   WHATS?!?!?....You want me to work on Friday??? "

   My iPhone is like a time machine. I go to spend a couple of minutes on Twitter and Facebook and suddenly it's an hour later

   If there's one thing I've learnt in life it's to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.

   Botox doesn't make you look young, it makes you look like you think you're old.