Funny Status Messages

   She's teaching me wine appreciation which is cool, but I'd really appreciate a bigger glass.

   Bryan Brown ‎"Can I see your phone??" SURE.. Just don't look in my contacts.... or my texts... or my pics.. or my videos... or my.. you know what just give me my damn phone back.. #Mr.Brown

   You never want to hear "Is that where you're supposed to poop?!" yelled by an adult from across the house. Especially not on shrimp scampi night.

   "You must not only respect the pouch, but yourself as well." - Capri-Sun Tzu

   when I'm good, I'm great.  When I'm naughty, the neighbors need a cigarette!!!

   where the treasure is found on a treasure map

   I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then when they mess up I will just hit them all at once.

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things that I keep to myself!!

   I don't realise how hyperactivity stupid I'm being until someone imitates me. :)

   Fillibustering a slice of pizza.

   If chics would wear slut rings instead of mood rings it sure would save a lot of time.

   Time for UK to return Falkland Islands to Argentine or face The Pope!!

   I love when people see me and say..." Ohh I've been meaning to call you.. But lost your number.." B itch my number hasn't changed in 10 yrs! It should be implanted into your brain cells!

   Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting "born again" and pretending I'm possessed by the Devil is not so funny to "non drunk people".

   Now that Britney Griner's collegiate career is over....do you think he will end up with the Heat and Lebron?

   Being afraid of North Korea is like calling the FBI because someone threatened you in a YouTube comment.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and drink your poison.

   Are you worried your not getting any phone calls? #1 Place cell Phone on silent. #2 Wait about 1 hour you should get at least 10 missed calls. #3 For the heck of it now turn volume to loudest

   thinks that Kanye West stormed in when Kim was giving birth and shouted "yo respect to the woman but I think Beyonce would be grunting and giving birth much better....much much better".

   I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street.