Funny Status Messages

   why would you run on a treadmill when you could just turn it into a bed

   having sex with your ex is not cheating.....it is just a retirement benefits scheme

   Tom has a lot of space. He named his website very accurately.

   this cocaine cut with flour? Because I'm gluten free and very heath conscious.

   A big well done you had unprotected $eX and made a baby. Bravo *slow claps*

   hello there, the angel from my nightmare.

   Relax, I only plan on violating you virtually, you sexy beast.

   Ok effff it, I guess I'll go ahead and say it first, "new year new me!"

   Sorry you bled to death while I was looking at my phone.

   If you've ever been to the zoon and seen a gorilla get frustrated and distroy a banana with its fists then you've seem my wife give a hand job.

   Did a 5k today only instead of kilometers it was the number of calories I ate at lunch.

   Everyone is still talking about the Mayweather and Pacquiao fight and I'm just here like Dez caught it.

   The 26.2 sticker in the rear window of my car is to signify how many beers I drink in a typical weekend.

   First time on a roller coaster. Final Destination.

   i think my teachers were lies ....they said "A for Apple".....the iphone just keeps repeating itself

   Baby, let's stay up late and make mix tapes.

   Truthful Tuesday: I used to be "that b itch from accounting".

   Kristen Stewart is back with Robert Pattinson. She said "I can't express how sorry I am" but that was referring to her facial expressions.

   When others say you can't do something, don't listen. You get out there and prove them right!!

   Yes if you're looking for someone who's "healthy" for you...definitely don't look my way.