Funny Status Messages

   You knowlife sucks when you can hear the girl you love moaning in the room next door where your bestfriend is...

   If you ever find me on my death bead, please take me off my death bed and put me in my alive bed.

   meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime..

   Clearly the lifeguard is to blame for letting that many people into the pool. Case closed.

   If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.

   This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.

   If I could have Superpowers, I think it would be either the ability to fly, the ability to turn myself invisible, or the ability to understand women.

   My pet peeve is when I accidentally impregnate other guy's GF's on the 7th? No, 11th try.

   DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*

   I can't be the only one who spits on my banana before eating it...Right?

   I shot the sheriff and his portraits in the park turned out great. Shooting the deputy tomorrow if weather permits

   a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.

   reportedly "in a relationship" with tiger woods.......

   wants to do it like they do on the discovery channel

   it is so cold here,. that our snowman is begging for a coat.

   My son is on 11 months and can't talk but sometimes I think it's fun to imagine what he would say if he could... like this morning; I imagined him saying "Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster

   ♫ Twatwaffle ♫ is the new ♫ Hot Pocket ♫....sing that next time someone pisses you off and I guarantee you aren't going to be pissed for very long.

   Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

   Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected

   I believe in angels, The kind that heaven sends, I am surrounded by angels, But I call them friends.