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Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure. 
Alright bed, be warned! I will kick your ass with some hardcore sleeping! Like five hours worth!!
Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary to overcome the original difficulty.
Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face
wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no
She blinded me with science!
Well, Chemistry...
Mace. It was mace.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.
Hillary wears them long pant suits because she dosent have the typical "Camel Toe". She has what some people call "Moose Foot"
Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow.
Hillary isn't the first woman to say I'm deplorable, and probably won't be the last
What's the appropriate snack for watching the series finale of America? Heck, it did have a good 240 year run.
Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.
Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit. 