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My horoscope today just said "NOPE" 
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...
concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?
Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
Anyone else wanna go out for next Halloween as "Narcissistic Introverts with Alcohol and Drug Dependencies coupled with Porn Addictions" ........... or is it just going to be Me again ?
Anyone find an hour can you please return it thanks. . .
Sure, "my day" will eventually come. And I fully anticipate it will be heralded by an unexpected explosion of the Sun.
Oh yes - please give me more unprompted stories about your kids. I'll just keep imagining injecting my brain with an overdose of Novacaine.
Made it to that level of drunk where you knock over a display in a convenience store.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.
With this election it is easier to scream at the enemy than it is to own your embarrassment
Wednesday I will have 50% less friends on Facebook.. let's see who makes the cut
I'll never delete another email again. Just Twitter.
And that's why some people shopuld never play poker
No matter who wins the election the government always gets elected
don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aides.. 