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Leftover spaghetti is why someone invented Tupperware. No one looks cool trying to put spaghetti in a ziplock bag. 
If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.
What I learned in high school: If you lose the game, don't dump Gatorade on the coach's head.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the Halloween fun-size candy wrappers in your trash can.
Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.
Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.
I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.
There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey
Not everybody has to like me, I cant force you to have a good taste!
I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.
Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?
Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.
Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.
"No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw
Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.
Aggravation: Trying to get a vending machine to take a wrinkled dollar bill.
I think some of my friends are completely irrational and make bad decisions, and we should hang out more.
In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.
my New Year's resolution is to exercise (my right to be lazy)
Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough, that's why we have two hands. 