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Me: *goes for midnight jog* My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE 
7 years ago today I swallowed gum..... and now we wait
My horoscope today just said "NOPE"
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...
concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?
Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.
My dog thinks that I like walking her again. My fit bit thinks I'm setting new goals. I'm really looking for pokemon."
There's no I in team due in large part to my utter lack of athletic ability.
As a Millenial I find my life is now full of much more meaning now that I have Pokemon Go!
There are now a lot of confused and frustrated kids out there that are frantically trying to take selfies with their newly found Pokemon Go characters.
Loving this new Hula-Hoop app
Kat Denning's b00bs are the life preservers which save 2 Broke Girls.
Local Japanese-American cultural center begins charging $28 admission when Rare Holographic Mewtwo found in WWII exhibit...
so apparently being " A Kid At Heart" does not apply when it comes to Pokemon go. Pshh...Please. I'm a grown A** Man. now where did I leave my Xbox contoller
A great trick to play is after a long and intimate texts with your girlfriend, end with "Who is this?" 