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Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby 
Maybe Farmers Insurance will do a commercial with Tiger driving now!
I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV.
Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.
OJ told the judge "I would kill to get out of here".
Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....
Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!
Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software.
Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world.
I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right
Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?
Y'all. I thought we were all streaking as an homage to Hugh Hefner. Anyway, I'm gonna need bail money. Again.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.
can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?
Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
33,000 people attended Hillary clintons rally/ concert yesterday. I wonder if they received the tickets via email..
Wonder how many FB friends I will be getting back now that the election is over?
whelp, let me carry my deplorable ars to bed. . .
Defense attorney: "They were on their way to choir practice". 