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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off. 
The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Me: *panic buying* [Later At Home] Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf? Me: I panicked
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.
Can’t wait to see what kind of grills these meth heads have on their avatars
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.
Revenge is a dish best served eventually
It's a tough job being the family disappointment but I put in lots of overtime
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.
Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because your special!....or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.
I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.
Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that. 