Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Rule #1 in marriage. If she not happy you won't be happy.

   I never drink because I wouldn't want to appear relaxed or approachable.

   What is it that you have that other people use more often than you do?....... Your name :)

   Have you solved the PUZZLE or are you still looking for the pieces ?

   Do squirrels ever die from old age or are they all murdered?

   Dictionary the only place where divorce comes before marriage.

   The lack of hair is the main cause of baldness.

   Note to our friends from the south ,The Canadian Word EH! has been replaced with WAH ? Stay stoned my friends .

   Me: Garçon! l'll have your finest bar of xanax and be quick with it! My pharmacist: get out

   Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

   I feel safer knowing the Democrats are trying to make a watch list for people on watch lists..

   Your "Restroom For Customer Only" sign means nothing without a lock.

   Don't think I should wear my heart on my sleeve anymore....because that's usually where I sneeze and wipe my nose.

   I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.

   You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.

   Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.

   There is an 87% chance if your wife still sleeps with a stuffed animal you'll end up as the featured story on Dateline at some point.

   My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

   Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.