Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee

   Mrs. Huxtable is not gonna be pleased.

   Hi ho hi ho off to jail Bill goes

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe 'Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?'

   If you put a little red vest and a leash on your bowl of queso you can take it anywhere.

   When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.

   "No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk

   Relationships are like a game of cards... "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run"

   Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen. Me: so was this pie

   My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.

   A man of few words is a married man.

   Someone says I have finally been diagnosed...!!! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!!! ;)

   It's better for people to think you're a fool then open your mouth and remove all dout.

   Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.

   Taking viagra for my sunburn.... Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

   I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.

   The moon’s so bright ya gotta wear shades.

   I'm not immauture....... I just know how to have fun.

   If you ordered the worlds largest box from Amazon what would they ship it in?