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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon 
So is Tom Brady related to Marcia, Greg & Cindy ?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
You know how well a friend's kitchen remodeling job came out when you can't find the garbage can.
What did the yoga instructor say when asked if she was ever going to leave? --- Nahmaste
You'll know you've grown old when your 6 pack abs turn into a keg.
I'm so old when I was a kid the only search engine we knew was called a librarian.
It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening
A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing
Husbands married on February 29th are fortunate in that they only have to sleep on the couch once every 4 years after forgetting their Anniversary
me: [donating body to science] science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I've always known my lifetime of alienating friends and family would one day pay off.
I am trying to collect as many New England Patriots jerseys and t-shirts as possible. I want a stockpile in case the toilet paper shortage gets worse.
public bathrooms are so cleaned and stocked up with toilet papers now
WTF, everyone is talking about social distancing rule...Haven't we been doing that since we opened facebook accounts?
Everyone sing along! Don't stand.... don't stand.... don't stand so close to me...
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Are Liquor Stores considered essential businesses and therefore required to remain open? Asking for a friend.
If Martial Law is declared, do we stack the bodies of the home invaders and burglars at the curb on Trash Day? Asking for a friend.
I wish they could talk about something besides the Coronavirus like the world just stopped. Oh wait it did.
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