Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Kim Kardashian was robbed again in Paris because they needed re-shoots for her show. 
I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.
If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.
Did you know that some tickle fights result in someone peeing their pants and someone's corpse being dumped in a ditch.
In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.
Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.
The problem with my new job is that I like all my coworkers which gives me a lot less tweet material than my last few jobs.
Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.
For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.
Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."
The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.
Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.
Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those
Just turned on the Sag awards to be disappointed it’s not about 70s porn stars....
The nice thing about being married is you finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be.
Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.
Being older doesnt mean you have pearls of widsom but spurts of common sense.
You can have a salad on the side but just make sure your significant other salad nevers finds out
Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people"
I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly 