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With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again... 
She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.
Whoever said "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today" knew how to log out of facebook.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I feel safer knowing the Democrats are trying to make a watch list for people on watch lists..
Your "Restroom For Customer Only" sign means nothing without a lock.
Don't think I should wear my heart on my sleeve anymore....because that's usually where I sneeze and wipe my nose.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.
You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.
Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.
There is an 87% chance if your wife still sleeps with a stuffed animal you'll end up as the featured story on Dateline at some point.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.
Marriage advice: If you can't play a simple board game without arguing, don't even attempt assembling IKEA furniture together.
Just took a Sex And The City character quiz tonight and got the bored boyfriend who was forced to watch.
Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side
If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends
Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh... -People flipping the channels at 4 am in the morning 