Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.

   Fun fact: In Mountclair Ca. it's now illegal to cross the street while talking on a cell phone.

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.

   And then my moral compass passed out.

   How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."

   28 inches. I used a tape measure between the sink and the dishwasher. However my son believes it is on the other side of the planet.

   In hell people take ALL of your tweets seriously

   Sometimes I just want to be taken seriously; other times I just want to be taken, seriously.

   I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed

   If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because your special!....or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.

   I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.

   Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.

   When it comes for the New Year's count down, raise your left leg. That way you'll start the New Year out on the right foot.

   t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

   If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.

   You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window

   It wasn’t the hundreds of selfies with snapchat filters that bothered me that much. It was the fact she actually had bunny ears and freakishly oversized eyes when she showed up to dinner.