Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't have any old girlfriends. They're all so young.

   If these walls could talk, there would just be one more thing in this house that doesn't answer me when I speak.

   I just learned that a "tear jerker" is not giving a hand job while crying.

   Humble Pie is my least favourite kind of Pie.

   Lampposts and hydrants are basically Facebook for dogs.

   I need to meet new people to ignore.

   writing fictional textmessages so I won't look like i'm lonely..

   Finds it funny that people really take some of these prescription pills that two of the side effects are swelling of the tongue and death...

   Who needs a brain when you fall deeply in love?

   The after Easter prices of Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are one of life's simple but not quite free pleasures.

   Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.

   Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

   Just turned on the Sag awards to be disappointed it’s not about 70s porn stars....

   The nice thing about being married is you finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be.

   Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.

   Being older doesnt mean you have pearls of widsom but spurts of common sense.

   You can have a salad on the side but just make sure your significant other salad nevers finds out

   Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people"

   I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly

   The best way to make your kids understand the whole idea of paying taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream