Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just saying if the NFL has any balls at all, Corey Feldman will be the Super Bowl halftime show.

   One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.

   Gary Johnson probably thought Kim Jong Un was the name of a new strain of weed.

   I will start to worry when there are mime sightings in my neighborhood.

   Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.

   Siri, how much would I weigh if I had one of those machines from Star Trek that made food appear out of thin air?

   hate songs that ask you questions like seriously I have no idea what I'm gonna do after the boys of summer are gone.

   Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!

   Broke me would like to thank the rich me that had the foresight to stock enough beer that I am now drinking.

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance

   Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.

   Can somebody tell me how Finding Dory ends? I was watching video of the minivan in front of me took an exit off the highway

   I get all the cardio I need by digging my own grave.

   The problem with glitter is when you get it on you, you can't get it off. Ever. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   There sure were a lot of lesbian nuns in the 70s.

   If the movies have taught me anything it's that sooner or later that car chase is gonna crash through a fruit stand.

   I'm holding out for the Buttermilk Ranch Tide pods.

   Last time I told my kids to play outdoors they thought I was talking about some old school riock group. They asked Siri to play songs by Outdoors.

   when idiots do the "Tide pod challenge" & a friend records it, are they POD casting?

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.