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My wife was mad at me today so I put a cape on her and said, "There. Now you're SUPER mad." 
I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?
it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning
Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.
I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.
The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.
The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.
Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.
I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term Me: Don’t kid yourself
[3am] Me: My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon 