Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

   *throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”

   How the heck did America get to the point where Congress can actually issue a Subpoena for Records and then when they get them turn around and destroy those records?

   Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.

   Canadas imagration website has crashed. No joke.

   Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.

   *at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.

   I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates...

   Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!

   I'm compiling my 2018 resolutions now, just because I know I can procrastinate some times..

   My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   why call it a tree trimmer and not branch manager

   Remember when 'sex,drugs & rocknroll meant something other than 'sundays, anti-depressants & turn it down?'

   I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth.. Last time I buy a Larvae lamp.

   Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.

   pro tip....today invest in buying Energizer & Duracell stocks

   I was never insane except that temporary moment when my heart was exposed.