Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Me: Yes, I'd like to return this dishwasher.... Lowes employee: Sir, you can't just leave your teenager here, again.

   If your boss says we have to be more flexible in this department be afraid. Be very afraid.

   Sorry no one understood you were making an April Fool's joke because no one thinks you have a sense of humor.

   Drake has female tendencies.

   I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.

   Past mistakes are meant to guide you, not get her pregnant.

   Lies I'll never stop telling my boss: No you're not bothering me Yes I'll meet the deadline Facebook? Never heard of it!

   ....Yay ... I am so jazzed .... My new 56k modem has finally arrived ....

   Your yoga pants just say OUTSTRETCHED.

   The more attractive you are, the creepier you can be without raising eyebrows.

   A little choking never killed nobody

   There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.

   Don't forget to stay in your unfulfilling relationships today.

   I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

   I failed my employee drug test today because of the drugs I have to take to tolerate my coworkers. FML.

   Flawsome: (adj.) an individual who embraces their "flaws" and knows they're awesome regardless.

   Cleaning with dogs in your house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

   I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   Here's to our wives and sweethearts.... and may they never meet.

   Reasons I check my voicemail... 1% to hear the message... 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.