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Here's how the new mobile payment system works. If you so much as even glance at an Apple product, Apple Pay automatically deducts the full amount from your checking account... 
If you're happy and you know it, don't stop drinking.
Every morning I try something new, but only because the coffee barista cannot get my order right.
To hell with the over-the-top flowers. Just tell her you are sorry and mean it.
Getting a clementine full of seeds is like getting a piece of fish full of bones.
"Get off of Facebook and put clothes on." Is a thing I had to tell myself just now.
Sometimes I wake up and just know I'm going to need bail money.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
I wonder who vodka helped me insult last night.
Me: Yes, I'd like to return this dishwasher.... Lowes employee: Sir, you can't just leave your teenager here, again.
If your boss says we have to be more flexible in this department be afraid. Be very afraid.
Sorry no one understood you were making an April Fool's joke because no one thinks you have a sense of humor.
Drake has female tendencies.
I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.
Past mistakes are meant to guide you, not get her pregnant.
Lies I'll never stop telling my boss: No you're not bothering me Yes I'll meet the deadline Facebook? Never heard of it!
....Yay ... I am so jazzed .... My new 56k modem has finally arrived ....
Your yoga pants just say OUTSTRETCHED.
The more attractive you are, the creepier you can be without raising eyebrows. 