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If I ever get a dog, I think I'll name him Peeve. Then I can introduce him as my pet peeve. 
Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !
We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go
Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat?
Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it.
i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo
Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.
[boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.
I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.
Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.
Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight. 