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My kids must be so confused about what an adult is. 
A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail
PLease don't talk to me about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel all week and haven't had time to watch it yet.
I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot
Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.
Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time
I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.
Did my own taxes. I'm getting $750,000,000. Might be looking for a place in Mexico.
the dentist says I need a crown. I'm like "I know, right? "
I talk a lot about sex for someone who doesn’t remember it.
I have a moral compass, but it always seems to point south.
I’m Southern, but not monogram my vibrator, Southern.
It's R Kelly weather out there today!!! By that I mean it's in the teens..
Why the hell is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time!
Chloroform is my favorite essential oil.
I still remember the time when I was working at a zoo and my boss fired me simply because I left the lion's gate unlocked, I mean who can steal a lion.
I think I may have been abducted by aliens last night. At about 2AM I blinked and the next thing I knew it was 3AM .. a whole hour I can't account for....
I saw a woman at Walmart
with March Madness teeth..
She was down to the final four.
I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling 