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I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP! 
Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.
The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.
women know if they want to have sex with a guy within the first five minutes of meeting. How long until they wanna cook?
My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.
According to WebMC, I be illin'.
United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.
A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.
My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln
I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes
I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.
D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.
Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...
Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.
I can drive a woman wild with my tongue!
I say..‘Have you put weight on?’
I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?
When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.
I call my pecker Whitesnake because here I go again on my own.
If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy. 