Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

   I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake.

   Says women will never be as successful as men because they don't have wives to advise them

   hearing reports that Jackson's cardiac arrest was brought on when his agent told him he would be touring with the Jonas Brothers.

   trapped sitting in the car wondering why he locked his keys outside.

   Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

   Some people shouldn't be allowed to drive and talk on the phone, but not me though because I can drive with my knees.

   Men who don’t understand women fall into two categories: Bachelors and Husbands.

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.

   I only work out to stay just skinnier than the guy at the bar next to me...

   We all spend that extra minute or two brushing on the day of your dentist appointment...

   Pimpin' actually is pretty easy and I'm getting tired of everyone saying otherwise.

   Every time someone walks by my desk I make sure to have the Hooters website up just so no one thinks I'm a nerd doing work.

   You should send every tweet like its your last...and the rest of us will pray that it is.

   They key to not crying when cutting an onion is severing your emotional bond with it beforehand.

   if any body needs me I will be over here waiting for football season

   For me being adventurous is dating a girl who doesn't shave her legs!

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?

   "If you take a look at all the previous US Presidents, what could I do worse" - Frank Zappa