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a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties" 
We have a saying in our house. Well, to be accurate my wife has a saying. I have a listening.
I do NOT have an attitude problem... Yes, I may have the attitude, but YOU'RE the one that seems to have a problem with it...
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. God I miss college. a moment ago clear
The new version of Pac-Man was so awesome, it came with a search engine built into it... Can we have it back...?
I think its high time we let our freak flags fly..... :)~
Its like the whole world is out on the roads today driving like a pack of grandmas on their way to Bob Evan's after church on a Sunday. Sheesh!!!
often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.
printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills....
Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico
If a toyota prius crashes into a tree, does it make a sound?
The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head
Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone
thought he wanted a career...years of experience have taught him that what he really wanted was just the paychecks.
I'm thinking about buying an invisible box that they trap mimes in.
True friend, if your internet ever goes out, just give me a call, tell me what web pages you wanted to visit, and I'll describe them to you.
Misery may love company, but the miserable rarely have company.
Facebook keeps telling me your friends are waiting, go use friend finder to find your friends. stfu seriously go find your own friends facebook and leave me the hell alone. 