Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   thought he wanted a career...years of experience have taught him that what he really wanted was just the paychecks.

   I'm thinking about buying an invisible box that they trap mimes in.

   True friend, if your internet ever goes out, just give me a call, tell me what web pages you wanted to visit, and I'll describe them to you.

   Misery may love company, but the miserable rarely have company.

   Facebook keeps telling me your friends are waiting, go use friend finder to find your friends. stfu seriously go find your own friends facebook and leave me the hell alone.

   If you don't have the courage to walk alone others will not have the courage to walk with you.

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them

   I feel pretty useless when I see that people living off a spoonful of rice a day can somehow muster the energy to build an irrigation system for their village when I can't even answer a question before I eat breakfast.

   If your boyfriend isn't ignoring you as much as you'd like him to, suggest he join a few more fantasy football leagues.

   If I look at your mouth while your talking to me then CLEARLY I want you to just stfu!

   Now that I know where all the purses are, I'm busting out my ski mask and crow bar. Time to make mo money.

   If you all know where you keep it, why are we always looking for the damn thing..

   so lindsay was caught jumpin a gate tryna escape rehab for a soda.. I'm guessin it was coke.. .

   I came up with a stupid status today, but I forgot what it was.

   See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.

   Honoring those that forgot all the rules inflicted on you as a child. Those that forgot how to spank a kid's ass when they misbehave. Those that shamelessly spoil your kid, hype them up on sugar and then send them home. ♥ Happy Grandparent's Day <3

   Some people need to do things to try and impress simply because their personality doesn't

   I can't wait to hear all of my favorite songs used in sh*tty commercials when I'm older!

   Alternating between shots of tequila and espresso because I want to be an alert drunk tonight.

   I feel bad for the guy who smoked poison ivy during the trial and error phase of what will get you high, and what will kill you.