Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Somewhere in the ghetto is a family that leaves the lights on in the kitchen so the roaches don't take over at night!

   I'm one of those people that tried this at home

   Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

   Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm have been required to open fire three times..........they won a goldfish,teddybear and inflateable hammer!

   I'm dressing up as the ghost of the 2011 NBA season. It's not like anyone is gonna see me or care to see me anyway.

   NASA has received funding to develop a tractor beam. Step 1: Buy new pants for nerds who just wet themselves.

   I'm in shape: Unfortunately it's the wrong one.

   Pirate pick up line 101: "I love your eye-patch and how it brings out your other eye."

   I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.

   Wife math: "it was like 100 bucks" = it was at least $250.00.

   My grandfather recently beat my grandmother to death... Not in a physical way... he just died first.

   "okay" = everything's cool. "okay?" you make no sense. "okay..."= you're creepy. "okayy" = I dont care. "k." = don't talk to me any more.

   I'm not fat. My stomach is just 3D. ;)

   Once in a lifetime - a person comes along and changes everything. I am not that person. But I did meet him once and acted awkward when I was around him.

   cleaned up friend list..if you see this I guess I missed one!

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   Couldnt get into the Maury show so I went to our local trailor park.

   thinks the digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly

   a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties"

   Thursday...the point when you can start getting a bit giddy about the weekend!