Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."

   I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.

   Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?

   . Since when do you need a ID to buy a box of cereal ?

   Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

   Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

   Well ... Maybe if I renamed my package "Facebook" she might actually get on it

   I'm really not a "know it all"... For instance, up until recently, I thought cunnilingus was an Irish Airline.

   1. Go to Starbucks. 2. Order coffee. 3 Tell them your name is Waldo. 4 Leave.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.

   As cold as it is outside, today might be a good day to double-up on my underwear.

   WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.

   Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many!

   It's so cute how the outdoors try to compete with the internet.

   "i don't really like blow ups... they just don't do it for me." -overheard in the Christmas inflatables section of Target

   I picked up a bad habit of reading text messages, and then verbally responding to them, and then putting my phone away.

   I bet David Stern is rejecting this divorce and making Kobe and Vanessa stay married.

   The 4th rule of Fight Club is: Don't hit reply all to the Fight Club newsletter.

   beware the ides of march...

   At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.