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Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first. 
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.
If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.
If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.
Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."
I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.
I'm not worried about Werewolves, Vampires, Zombies or Haunted Hotels .... I'm worried about what real Human Beings will do to other Human Beings.
It would be nice if Mexicans took some initiative and MadeMexicoGreatAgain
Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance.
. Since when do you need a ID to buy a box of cereal ?
Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
As cold as it is outside, today might be a good day to double-up on my underwear.
WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.
Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many! 