Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up.

   I'll never forget where I was the first time a girl called me 'Sir'.

   Relationship status: running for Mayor of the friend zone.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic

   Tried to milk a bull once, needless to say, farming isn't for me!

   Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, but nobody is laughing now.

   It's so romantic that you didn't press charges.

   I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.

   We all spend our lives tiptoeing around trying not to say the wrong thing or offend anyone. So, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do that h ere.

   Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?

   If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.

   If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.

   Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."

   I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.

   Well ... Maybe if I renamed my package "Facebook" she might actually get on it

   I'm really not a "know it all"... For instance, up until recently, I thought cunnilingus was an Irish Airline.

   1. Go to Starbucks. 2. Order coffee. 3 Tell them your name is Waldo. 4 Leave.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.