Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just so you know...weather conditions where simultaneously wearing shorts and Uggs is acceptable - NEVER EXIST!

   Some of my favorite posts don't always get a lot of stars.. That's O.K. They know I love them,, and they love me back... That's all we need.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now

   I buy cheap underwear because it's poorly manufactured and rips off easily without damaging his teeth.

   Good things may come to those who wait but better things come to those who know how to use their tongue.

   Even when gymnasts screw up there is a line of people to hug them, lie to them & say "nice job". I wish I had that.

   Got a shopping cart without a f*up wheel. Ballin!!!

   Hearing noises when you're home alone and just accepting the fact that you're going to die.

   I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

   Stupid Nexium commercial : "You wouldn't want your doctor doing your job." Yes I would. I want anyone besides myself to have to do my job.

   I told the wife earlier that I wanted a sex change. From no sex, to actually having some.

   Hand a man a jump rope and I will tell you if he is a sissy or not.

   When picking a song to represent your relationship, go for something obscure in case you ever break up. Mine is the National Anthem of Peru.

   Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up.

   I'll never forget where I was the first time a girl called me 'Sir'.

   Relationship status: running for Mayor of the friend zone.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic

   Tried to milk a bull once, needless to say, farming isn't for me!

   Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, but nobody is laughing now.

   It's so romantic that you didn't press charges.