Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Relationship status: Looking for someone to rub me the wrong way...

   How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

   *Nude Pic* INAPPROPRIATE *Black & White Nude Pic* ART

   Tomorrow is Canada Day, maybe we should all go out for some good Canadian Cuisine to celebrate

   "What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.

   Ketchup's popularity skyrocketed when they stopped calling it tomato jelly.

   I got the kids Frozen yesterday... and the sperm bank only charged me $100 for doing it...

   The genie that I rubbed to get my three wishes was not a genie at all. Anyone got bail money?

   Before coffee: I hate everyone. After coffee: I have so much energy to hate everyone.

   I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

   Only men with beards can truly understand How much a cat or dog loves to have their chin scratched

   "Not sold in stores, available online only" just means "if you ever saw this in person, you'd never buy it."

   The scariest thing about dating is that you either break-up or get married.

   ACA's, CMA's, ACM's...country music is working on having as many stupid awards shows as college football has pointless bowl games.

   The more stupid people I meet, the more I understand serial killers and think they should be called serial problem solvers.

   Don't make me choke you with this imaginary cell phone cord.

   Well this morning I woke up in a box under my tree... I guess I should of been more specific when I told Santa "I want the sexiest person alive for Christmas"!

   "It's no surprise that Brittany Spears lip syncs, but her fierce choreography makes up for it," says one Critic about her new Las Vegas show...Hasn't Brittany's dancing ALWAYS made up for what she calls her singing since day one?

   Some people hope their search for happiness ends in love and fulfillment, I just hope mine ends in minimal bloodshed and no felony charges.

   Reminder: You are a perishable item, live accordingly.