Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   How is taking a chainsaw to a Nissan a quality test? Perhaps the commercial is trying demonstrate rescue tools for emergency personnel to use after an accident.

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy owed me a lot of money!'

   Stay strong; the best things in life are worth fighting for.

   Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

   Dear Chile --- When you're done rescuing everybody, can we send you Ryan Seacrest, Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Snooki?

   pretending he is driving on a dirt road in Hazzard county..Yee-Hawww!

   I like to think of myself as "Emotionally Exciting" as opposed to bipolar.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.

   3.14159 I love you when you're covered in ice cream.

   The defendant was acquitted of stealing twenty-three bottles of beer. Prosecutors couldn't make a case of it.

   The reason I watch crime documentaries on drug smugglers is to look for new ways to sneak a bag of Doritos into the house.

   just read that movie theatre popcorn is very buttery and unhealthy, in other news..water is wet! :D

   I never have enough clothes...until I do laundry, then I never have enough closet space.

   A new study says people who sit a lot die sooner. Basically, if you're a tennis umpire with a roommate who paints portraits, you're screwed.

   If you own a dog you know... The Look...

   If you're on someone else's Facebook, the cruelest thing to do is probably to actually add the "people you may know."

   When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.

   I have come to the conclusion that I have a mammographic memory...

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   It's hard to trust someone who starts each sentence with "to be honest".