Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   every year it is a race to see who drops first me or the new years ball

   Ok so my cart tapped your ass.. Whatever guy in front of me! I see your crocs... That's probably the most action you've gotten in months.

   Looks like St. Patrick's day can't come soon enough this year for the Irish!

   Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.

   Coworker: "I can't eat anything that looks too much like it did before it was dead." Me: "You sound terrible at sex."

   why do people post a pic of every meal that they eat? no one cares...

   So Subway's Foot Longs are actually only 11 inches. Hang on while I get my calculator and figure this all out....I've had this many subs over the past several......okay got it...Subway, you owe me a Ten Mile sub.

   People who feel sorry for themselves never feel sorry for anyone else.

   Nicki Minaj, a judge on American Idol we are being Punk'd right?

   Hey! Just because I'm a jerk to your face, doesn't mean I don't talk sweet about you behind your back!

   why does the microwave plate stay cool but my plate is 500 f ucking degrees??

   if your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

   A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.

   They say love is more important than money. B!tch, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?!

   Randy Travis' meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it.

   I like going in for a Vasectomy and then backing out at the last second just so someone else can shave my junk.

   Top tip: Cereal is less fattening if you don't butter it.

   guess how many people gave up looking for work and started selling heroin.

   When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..

   Guys who come to work smiling, congrats on your morning beejay.