Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Confucius say wife who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

   200 North Koreans died in a tunnel collapse when testing their nukes. Looks like Kim Jong Un is on the US side of the war.

   We need to make guns illegal, like we did with drugs. You can’t find that stuff anywhere nowadays.

   "Womp womp." -Judge sentencing Corey Lewandowski to prison

   My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”

   I question how authentic your Italian restaurant when you're Wednesday special is 12" hot dog

   People complaining in the express line about the lady writing a check will be uber ticked when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Pepsi

   If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Sarah Palin" do not open it. It is a virus. If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Hillary Clinton" do not open it. It is nude pictures of Hillary Clinton.

   We can all safely assume Cam Newton is crying himself to sleep tonight, tomorrow night, and quite possibly for the rest of his life.

   Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.

   "Sorry, your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin."

   So let me get this straight...The new twenty dollar bill is going to feature Harriet Tubman using the men's room at a target?

   I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

   My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.

   Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.

   I'm not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.

   ☑-Single ☐-Taken ☑- Available for rebound Sex.

   Derrick Rose?? More like Derrick Pansy...

   Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date

   Violently cry singing Queen's Somebody To Love is my cardio.