Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.

   Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminum foil. Wrap foi laround your head, stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem. Copy & pas

   Each day is a gift...Mondays are gag gifts!

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.

   -- I was playing golf with my missus the other day..She is absolutely horrific at driving and much better just using an iron the whole time. .....As for the golf she wasn't that bad......

   How about you climb down from your high pedestal and join the rest of us! This is where you belong anyways...

   Q: Why do women live longer than men?Because Shopping never causes heart attacks,but paying the bill does!

   I can't believe there are so many privacy risks involved in broadcasting my entire life on Facebook

   dear facebook,stop spamming my wall with dating site Ads or am going to change my relationship status from single to married and sue you for temptation.love,me.

   Last night I said to the wife let's get rated R. So I pulled down my pants and she cussed and punched me in the face.

   First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down...

   I'm in the mood for Sushi but the Japanese place near me doesn't take credit cards. I'm gunna have raw toast instead.

   Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

   Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.

   Obama, You're Fired!!!!

   They now say alot of the fake news came out of Russia. Subsequently picked up and reported by CNN

   Screw Finding Dory... Let's find Clintons deleted emails!

   If I weren’t so angry I would feel horrible for all the bIack Iives so weak of mind and spirit that they let a bunch of old, white politicians tell them they aren’t good enough to be productive members of society.

   Just think. If all parents were pro-abortion, it's likely we wouldn't be here to argue over it.

   Pinocchio wins award for being more credible than the pollsters.