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To all those who said I couldn't make jokes about blind people... watch me. 
If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over & over so your friend knows "exactly" where you are.
Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend's status changes to "In a relatiobship"....You: (Damn). A week later, their status changes back to "Single"....You: (Hahahahahahaha!)
Why is it when I press 1 for English when calling "Tech Support"... I get someone that doesnt even speak f*ckin english!!!
I never worry about money. What's the sense of worrying about something you don't have?
My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.
I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out
yes I wet the bed from drinkin to much last night..and cause I wanted her gone by the time I woke up to see how ugly she was
Justin Bieber the only daughter that Mr. & Mrs. Bieber have?
I'm alone by choice, but your alone by being yourself!
When I was 18 I used to worry that I didn't do it enough, now that I'm over 40 I worry I might have to do it.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. I will be randomly grabbing my crotch in his memory for the rest of the day.
Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now
contemplating becoming schizophrenic, but is in two minds about it.
went to a country jamboree when this slutty dressed girl tripped and ended up on her back...Couldn't help it...I yelled Now that's a HO DOWN!!!
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)
needs a warm fireplace for my morningwood.
Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!
Trying is the first step toward failure.
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