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Failing a suicide attempt makes you a failure at both life and death. 
Flip Flops are the Glass Slippers of the South
Somewhere the socks and Tupperware lids are throwing a hell of a party.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none, feminists can't change anything, silly!
My girlfriend isn't much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
Give me hockey over basketball any day. Only one time out per team per game. The play keeps moving unlike basketball where the refs blow the whistle if a player breathes on another the wrong way.
learned yesterday to never EVER play "Simon Says" with my 5-yr-old. "Simon Says stick your finger in your butt." What do you do then? Refuse and thus forfeit? Or comply and be humiliated? Either way, he wins.
Dance like the photo isn't being tagged, love like you've never been unfriended, and tweet like nobody is following....
It's so hot that I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.
I didn't watch the royal wedding but I had a disturbing dream that Queen Elizabeth and Queen Latifah did a "chest bump" during the nuptuals! :/
BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It!
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like, for example: "I'm bored, lets go brush your teeth!"
I always keep a bottle of champagne and a large cigar under my side of the bed............. Just in case the wife stops breathing.
:The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my azz will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work...
They'll hate you if you're pretty. They'll hate you if you're not. They'll hate you for what you lack and they'll hate you for what you got.
The Wizard of Oz needed another character. Like an alcoholic who needed a liver.
Its called Facebook people.. Not Show your body (that you still clearly need to work on) book!
Night night Kim Jong Il you little Chinky B*stard
Today is "International Microphone Testing day" 1.2.12
ESPN would explode if Jeremy Lin wore a Yankee uniform and dunked on LeBron in front of Brett Favre and then Tebowed
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