Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Why would I trust the Gordon's fisherman? Bad things happen when you "trust" a man in a rain slicker. All he needs is a windowless van

   Why am I still single? Because humans are not monogamous by nature.

   not laughing at you--I'm laughing near you. And pointing. At you.

   wants you to spit your drink at the person sitting across from you and tell them it's because you were laughing at this.

   Just heard this guys phone ring at McD's, it said "Friend With Benefits Calling, Friend with Benefits Calling." I guess the chick had Health Insurance?

   Mick jaggers performance was so late in the evening because they had to wait for the sun to go down so he could rise from his coffin.

   Does the President get time and a half on Presidents Days?

   Someone needs to do a "Leave Charlie Sheen alone!" video on You Tube like that emo tween did for Brittney.

   Bruno mars is catching grenades and Taio Cruz is using dynamite, well it's obvious they've been playing COD..#blackops

   So Lindsey Lohan wants to go by one name now. I got one for her~~~Defendant

   Damn the government is about to shut down, radio active water in the sea, and the real kicker no NFL.... Yep, Nostradamus is laughing somewhere

   I love Hitchhiker's, they always give Me a Thumbs up Every time I pass by them

   Why is it that the only socially acceptable thing to scratch and sniff in public is a sticker?

   Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!

   Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Today, you're here. Coincidence?

   The only thing worse than repeating the same mistake, is repeating them with the same person

   I love doing Dishes! I love doing Dishes! I love doing Dishes!...*sigh* this "Psyching Yourself Out" theory is bull$hit!

   I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

   Shine on you crazy cubic zirconia.

   Most of the time, people don't need to be fixed, they simply need to be understood.