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LADIES: I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long... 
I hear facebook is going to force everyone to use the new timeline. I don't think I really want to be able to go back on my posts and see how many times I had a bowel movement or sharted myself. I have skeletons in the closet to clean out!!
If I still reply to your one word text messages you're special.
Say it to my face, not through your status.
Today is more of a ROF than a ROFL day.
Being free is no guarantee of happiness, but if you're unhappy, at least it will be on your own terms rather than someone else's.
I thinkin,,, People in rubber houses shouldn't throw stones either
Just when you think your day can't get any worse, someone pokes you on Facebook
The very first photo uploaded to Facebook was a cartoon cat. The second one was probably a duck-face girl.
The only people mad at you for speaking the truth! Are those living a lie!!!
Does this birthday suit make me look fat?
You'd think eating Ramen noodles with a butter knife would encourage me to wash dishes or at the very least go eat dinner at a Strip Club.
Aww Crap, Monday found me again.
it just me, or are women really negative? It's always "No, no, no!" with them.
my Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The best thing about Facebook is that someone can disappear as quickly as they appeared!
Man arrested after calling 911 three times to request a hooker. In his defense, the term "police escort" is kind of vague.
Years ago I walked in on my parents having sex. You should see my face in the video.
Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on b!tches.
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
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