Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I had 2 Justin Bieber tickets on the front seat of my car, some jacka$$ smashed my window and left 4 more

   In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

   You know, it didn't say anywhere in my Subway contract that I couldn't order off the kid's menu."

   Would a satisfying sleep be known as a 'snoregasm'?

   Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn from this unfortunate accident?

   Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

   I'm starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.

   My shoes always come untied, so I used my ear buds and they tied themselves in the most complex knot without even touching them!

   It’s impossible to say "I wasn’t talking to you" politely.

   My wife actually questioned whether or not I really listen to her while the TV is on. I can't believe she actually interrupted the game just to tell me that.

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food

   It's recycling day in my neighborhood tomorrow or as I like to call it - haul the wine bottles to the curb night!

   Smiles are contagious.....so is Herpes.

   Shutting the fcuk up is fat free, you should add it to your diet.

   Dear Sony Hackers, So....What can you do about the Kardashians???

   They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye

   50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans

   If you fart in public just yell "Jet Power!" and walk faster.

   Why is it parents these days are more afraid of gluten than they are of vaccinations?

   Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.