Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Justin Bieber's music is actually really good!...Once you turn the volume down all the way.

   "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

   I could stand to lose a few pounds, so I'm cutting out my oversized heart. It has done me no favors anyway.

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!!"

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough

   Going on a walk. Like some kind of freakin' car-less hippie moron.

   did you know....that if you set fire to LMFAO....they'll become ROTFLMAO?

   Ghetto counting: 1) Wahh. 2) Two. 3) Three. 4) Foe. 5) Fieee. 6) Sih. 7) Selm. 8) Ate. 9) Naa. 10) Teh. 11) Lem. 12) Twehh.

   Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.

   I'm developing an app that locates se x offenders near you. It's really just a directory of churches, but it's pretty accurate.

   "If I had a communicable disease, it would look just like Ebola" - Barack Obama

   going to the store. Do you want anything?

   word of the day: Dictate. You can use it in a sentence like "My girfriend says my dictate good"

   Everybody should have a friend who stutters... its like having your own personal dj...

   Pro tip: women do not want to hear an apology while you're still inside their sister. Take it out first.

   You "seen" a guy? It's embarrassing what America is turning into.

   A huge sink-hole opened up and swallowed a Florida redneck while he was watching TV in his bedroom...If only a few of these were conveniently located under the Whitehouse and Capitol Hill, America might be a better place...Just sayin.

   Does anyone know where I can get a "Don't blame me, I voted for Romney" bumper sticker?

   Cooking pork chops in the toaster

   Did anybody try turning Steve Jobs off and then back on again? That usually works.