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Weather Update. Cold with a chance of Nipples 
Coffee, Chocolate and Men...some things are just better rich
Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs, never believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs.
Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.
thinking that Jeffrey Dahmer is the only person whose bologna really did have a first name.....
Every time you lick a 9 volt, battery, you lick every person that's licked that 9 volt battery.
wonders if bear cubs wrestle and bite each other to prepare for hunting and caring for themselves as adults, why do babies pull folded laundry out of a basket and lay it all over the floor? Preparing to be husbands?
If you don't believe in oral sex....then keep your mouth shut!
Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation. Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
"A group of West Virginians who can't shower, brush their teeth or feed their babies? A&E, you got your next hit!"
Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.
if Kanye did become president, the first lady will be. . . let that sit in
Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers
Irony: The Vatican owns enough treasures that could end world poverty. Twice.
Girls who act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a d*ck.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD.
I watch Zombie movies while eating watermelon. Makes me feel like I'm practicing in case I ever become one.
Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."
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