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Be the reason someone sighs today. 
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
"Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumble into the tv remote.
Hillary's power suit was white ... but you can't call it a white power suit.
A buddy of mine is making a documentary about white trash, not sure if it's any good, I've only seen the trailer
A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
"Use the forceps, Luke!" -Obi Gyn Kenobi
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after the meal.
These days when I say I’m “hittin it,” I’m talking about my pillow.
Thought for the day: The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the axe because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.
The six flags rollercoaster that people got stuck on.... Obamas fault.
I'd give five bucks to hear First lady Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel".
I had so much Chinese food for breakfast I can barely wok
The difference between drinking on St. Patrick's Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is that nobody pretends to be a Mexican.
What if nobody was president and we all promised real hard to just be cool
A new poll actually found that 47 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate !
Met a hot chick online last night. Name's Casey. Lives in Florida and loves kids! Super excited! I think she could be the one.
Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.
"Oh my, they're not even wearing their seat belts; this is thrilling!" -Mitt Romney watches a Bang Bus video
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