Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can't wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie 5% - that's was a complete waste of money 85% - I gotta pee.

   Ask.com is useless.... they have no idea where I put the remote either.

   There is no point in fighting with an a$$hole. Trust me, they’ve had a lot more practice defending themselves than you.

   It must be nice for boring people, they can just think themselves to sleep.

   If you stole a cigarette from your dad and he made you smoke a whole pack while he watched, I hope he never caught you stealing a Playboy.

   Sorry hitchhiker dude. You have a better chance getting a ride from a deer.

   I really hope my fantasy football teams do well this year.... I need a resume booster.

   Sometimes I drink water, just to surprise my liver.

   I'm horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.

   I don't wait well.

   I’m beginning to get disillusioned....the scotch tape doesn’t taste like scotch...there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken and this avocado exfoliating mask tastes like crap in the guacamole I just made.....I guess I’ll go try some hash browns....

   Slowly step away from the bacon and no one gets hurt...

   The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.

   According to a recent study, cockroaches can resist radiation, extreme temperatures, the apocalypse and 6 hours of Justin Bieber songs.

   Christmas Schmistmas....March features the greatest holiday of the year. Any festivity that centers itself around getting drunk on beer, and stuffed on a big hunk of beef soaked in brine wins my vote.

   Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.

   Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.

   If that guy loved his horse so much, why'd he sell it to a beer company in the first place?

   Why deny yourself a pleasure now for the hope of adding a few miserable nursing home days at the end?

   Due to recent developments in the love market, my emotional trust funds are temporarily frozen.